There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
what does he know…
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault