I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
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What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Florida man
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.