Florida man
You Might Also Like
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin