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It be like that sometimes 😆
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I found your tweet-up…
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”