Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
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KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Feels
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs