[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
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Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
The two types of wives
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit