I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
i wish we could shoplift online
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Finished stitching this today 😇
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke