All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Sounds like a bargain
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft