for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Confused owl: What?!
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?