for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
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Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
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MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
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A little too much information.
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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?