MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.