“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I have so many questions.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.