I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
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Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple