I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.