If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.