I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
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I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
💻🤡
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home