When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
こいつ天才
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
wtf is a larm clock?
how it started vs how it ended
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.