#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games