For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
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I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.