Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Baller is short for ballerina
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?