[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
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So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.