Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Found the job I’m suited for
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.