It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You Might Also Like
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Challenge accepted.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.