To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.