Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
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I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.