LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.