Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?