Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Grandmother clock.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.