whatcha thinkin bout
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Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
mechanics be like
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields