I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You Might Also Like
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I really had high hopes for this year though
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
any last words?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.