{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live