My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.