My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*