My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
me doing my best
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny