BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
You Might Also Like
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.