Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News

my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News

Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.