My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement