Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
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My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
This week’s mood.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.