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*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??