Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
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“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
i really liked this one
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Monday Lisa
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
this is the best interaction on twitter
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”