Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
You Might Also Like
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
yes… yes…
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks