“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
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The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
😏😏😏
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
How does one answer this?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Respect
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES