Not recommended for beginners.
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Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Seals are just dog mermaids.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”