Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
my fav colour is also hitler
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
#Caturday
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.