*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
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Go hard or stay average
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes