My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
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H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
i love meeting boys on tinder
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…