More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
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If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout