That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Previously On Persistence 😎
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender