Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.