Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
selena gomez
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Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria