Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria![]()
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When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
My therapist after every session
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Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what