wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
damn he’s good
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.