it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
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WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.