@FrogAvalanche

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

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@comer310

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@yingi_flemmming

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

@EndhooS

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

@LuvPug

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

@_wendyb07

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

@GrantTanaka

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow