Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.

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Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.


[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”


When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”



[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance


I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen


Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”


coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them


Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow