One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
do u think theres a butter planet?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards